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The Grand American Puppet Show
by Justin Soutar
July 6, 2007
Each year, it
seems, the Grand American Puppet Show is getting longer, and the assortment of
characters more diverse and talented. This time the curtain was lifted in the
middle of 2006, more than two years before the Grand American Puppet Choice
Day—er, excuse me, Election Day. The first two characters to appear on stage
were New York Senator Hillary Clinton, representing the Democratic Party, and
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, representing the Republican Party.
Indeed, with the
bold and surprising appearance of the latter, all pretensions to making the
quadrennial presidential race look like anything more than a puppet show were
stripped away. Governor Schwarzenegger is not eligible for the presidency
because he is an immigrant to the United States and our Constitution forbids
immigrants from becoming president. However, such inconvenient realism and
outmoded respect for tradition—as well as that obnoxious entity called the law
of the land—must not be allowed to interrupt a good show. Since the national
audience at large did not know whether to laugh, cry or cheer for
Schwarzenegger, he has receded to the back of the stage—but only temporarily. More
on him later.
Meanwhile,
Senator Clinton has basked in the spotlight on the left side of center stage
for more than a year now thanks to piles of money from her loyal puppeteers
(narrow special interest groups). Somehow her lackluster performance has
managed to draw applause from no less than forty percent of the jaded American
audience. But this should not be taken to imply a positive judgment in her
regard. The popularity Clinton has attained is more a reflection of American
war weariness, disillusionment with the neocon-hijacked Republican Party, a
desire for change, and her demagogic manipulation of these feelings than it is
a reflection of her own skill.
Though
he must take second place to Hillary Clinton, North Carolina Senator John
Edwards is the most accomplished puppet of all. His splendid wealth as a lawyer
and his cadre of devoted puppeteers have kept him on the stage. While Senator
Edwards’ beaming smile and ethereal manner have delighted spectators, his
hypocrisy has triggered more than a few cases of nausea and vomiting. It is
plainly obvious to almost his entire audience that Edwards is a corrupt playboy
living in a world far removed from the average American, who says one thing and
does another, who cares for nothing so much as enjoying his life and wealth.
Since he is the leading puppet, Edwards would make the worst possible president.
Delaware
Senator Joe Biden, who is also a lawyer, is fairly well-known for his attempts
to reach the dead center of the stage. Senator Biden serves on numerous Senate
committees where he has the opportunity to lead debates and introduce
legislation. On almost every Senate bill, whether it deals with abortion or the
minimum wage or defense spending, he has voted both ways or refused to vote, making
it hard to pin down his positions on the issues. Biden’s act has chiefly consisted
of two features: precariously walking the tightrope near center stage on all
issues and keeping an eye on the performance of his more admired fellow puppet
Obama. With this dangerous combination of moves, Biden fell to the stage floor
and is likely to never fully recover.
Another
Democratic candidate may be more appealing in some ways, and even sincerely
straining to be more than just a puppet, but he is also out of touch with his audience
in important areas. The fact that Illinois Senator Barack Obama hails from the
Midwest rather than from the tightly-knit, super-rich, over-educated East Coast
intellectual establishment is a major plus that has brought him cheers. Yet while
Senator Obama has captivated Americans with his youth, his vision for the
future of America and the prospect of breaking the two-hundred-twenty-year-long
chain of white presidents, his support for abortion and homosexuality has
alienated the growing number of morally conscious Americans, resulting in many catcalls.
Early in 2007 the popularity of Obama’s performance threatened to push Hillary
from left center stage, but her puppeteers quickly came to the rescue with more
funds.
Finally, Tennessee
Senator Al Gore is down but not out. After spending eight years across the
street from the Chief Puppet’s Mansion (the White House), the temptation to
power will likely urge him to claim a spot on the stage. Senator Gore has had
lots of time to polish his ability as a puppet. He seized a golden opportunity
to expose this talent to the entire nation and world when he refused to concede
the 2000 presidential election, a sparkling recital which drew praise and
derision. In recent years Gore has established a considerable reputation for
his efforts to raise public awareness of global warming and his dedication to
replacing American dependence on petroleum with alternative energy sources.
Like many Democrats he also sings the song of plenty, smoothly promising to
guarantee every American the necessities of life with a heap of taxes garnered
mainly from the rich (but not, of course, from the pockets of Gore or his rich
cronies). These acts have won significant applause from like-minded Americans.
However, Gore’s demagoguery seems to be a reflection of that of Edwards.
In
general, the Republican contenders for president have been even more lackluster.
Unlike Senator Clinton, who has steadily held a place in the spotlight, the
Republicans have taken turns occupying the right-hand area of center stage. The
prime selling point for Arizona Senator John McCain is that he has the
distinction of being the only well-funded candidate with a reliable record of
opposition to abortion. In addition, Senator McCain is a genuine Vietnam War
veteran who spent five years in the hellish conditions of a Communist prison
camp. He was the first serious Republican hopeful to draw the audience’s
interest in 2006 with his condemnation of torture of al-Qaeda suspects abroad.
Despite McCain’s backing for the Bush administration’s “War on “Terrorism” policy
and its war in Iraq, his Congressional efforts at immigration and campaign
finance reform have earned him a reputation for bipartisanship. Moreover, the
soft-spoken, smiling man can aver a greater amount of integrity than any of the
other candidates. While his combination of heroism, principle and charm seems
irresistible, McCain’s age and the fact that his honesty keeps him from
fulfilling his puppet potential have nudged him towards the rear of the stage.
McCain
was followed by Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who has spent lavishly on
his campaign in an effort to win the hearts and cheers of American spectators. By
flashing his own cards of integrity and commitment to values, Governor Romney gradually
elbowed McCain to the side. The hard core of American neocons has cheered him
on with uncontrollable excitement. Nevertheless, from the large majority of
Americans Romney’s act has drawn a rather subdued reaction—and not just because
he is a Mormon. His record of egregious flip-flopping on the issue of abortion
and his calls for a further increase in defense spending fail to resonate with
most Americans. Romney is a puppet of neocon warmongers and war profiteers
whose patriotism and hatred for terrorism is confined to their pocketbooks.
In
turn, Romney has vied with New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, a power-hungry demagogue
whose leadership record is nothing short of abysmal. He has defended all uses
of excessive force by the New York police, declared the air at Ground Zero safe
when the fires were still burning after 9/11, and attempted to serve an illegal
third term as mayor. Though his puppeteers have created quite an impressive
performance that some Americans have applauded, he is far too similar to
President Bush on foreign policy matters to ever be elected by a plurality of
the American people. His presidency would be focused on expanding public access
to abortions and on a disastrous foreign policy of war for oil, both of which
only benefit the rich entrepreneurial (puppeteer) class.
The
most recent Republican candidate to rule the stage is former Tennessee Senator
Fred Thompson. His apparent surge in popularity is a result of excessive
positive attention from the mega-corporate media. However, the strikes against
Mr. Thompson are many: he is a lawyer, a longtime Washington lobbyist for big
businesses such as General Electric and Westinghouse, a staunch advocate of the
“War on Terrorism” and the war in Iraq, and he served as legal defense for I.
Lewis “Scooter” Libby, who was convicted
of lying to federal investigators about the Plame affair.
The appearance of Thompson on right center stage suspiciously coincided with
the climax of Libby’s trial, his conviction, and his pardon by President Bush. While
this man is generally pro-life and favors limited government, the familiar
moves of his dance and his ties to the same puppets that are controlling the
current Bush administration have led to persistent boos from the overwhelming
majority of the American people.
Americans
are clapping for these mediocre puppets because no better performers have been
invited or admitted to the stage. The puppeteers are not interested in offering
a presidential candidate dedicated to rock-solid moral values and imbued with
common sense who actually will meet the needs of America, as that would ruin
their silly presentation. Take Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, for example. He is
a fervent pro-lifer, a defender of traditional marriage, a champion of fiscal
discipline, had the common sense to turn against the Iraq war after supporting
it for several years, disapproves of President Bush’s domestic wiretapping
program, and favors stricter border security. On all these varied issues, Senator
Brownback can count on steady backing from a clear majority of American voters.
Because he is in general a committed, principled statesman rather than a puppet
of special interests, he has been shunned by the puppeteers and all but forced
offstage. The fact that Brownback was even briefly admitted to the rear of the
stage in early 2007 was recognition of his approval of NAFTA and his vote for oil
drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
The
Republican and Democratic parties, which run this show, are taken far too
seriously by tens of millions of Americans. Indeed, one should not expect gaily
reveling parties to conduct the urgent business of the country. Both the
Republican and Democratic charades are meant to divert American attention from
the well-greased lobby networks busily moving and shaking national politics.
Neither has the true interests of the country in mind. The parties are the subtle
opiate of the masses, serving as channels for popular discontent to forestall rebellion
and revolution—the most dreaded enemies of our freedom and democracy, according
to the rich puppeteers. Yet most Americans still cling to the parties as if to
salvation because each one represents some of the policies our country needs. At
the same time, a steady diet of puppets and parties does not make for a healthy
nation.
In 2006 the puppet
extravaganza took an interesting twist when longtime Connecticut Senator Joseph
Lieberman, a registered Democrat who supports abortion and the Iraq war,
officially left his party to become an “independent” senator. Thus Senator
Lieberman is the only puppet to occupy dead center stage, even though the central
limelight is off for the moment. Neocons love Lieberman for his continual defense
of Israeli policies and the Iraq war, and he is respected by Republicans and
Democrats as a thinker willing to cross party lines—although in fact he is a
pawn of special interests on both sides. No one has been discussing him as a
presidential hopeful and he has not mentioned a desire to enter the race. However,
the affable Lieberman may be a politician anticipating the future, a puppet
quietly waiting for the right moment to storm the stage and do his dance. With
so many special interest groups tied to him, he is almost certain to step out
from the shadows and “surprise” Americans in the 2008 Grand American Puppet Show.
Lieberman’s unusual renunciation of political affiliation could well be a ploy
to gain widespread American support in a run for higher office. Recall the 2004
event, in which Howard Dean was expected to win the Democratic primary but
instead we received the surprise of puppet extraordinaire John Kerry. My guess
is that Lieberman will either be selected by Hillary or the Republican
candidate as a running mate, or that he himself will win the Democratic nomination
for president and take Hillary as his running mate.
Furthermore,
this upcoming 2008 Election Day will be more of an authentic Grand American
Puppet Choice Day than any previous presidential election. The 2006
Congressional election served as a dry run for this makeover. In more than a
dozen states across the country on November 7, 2006, newly installed electronic
voting machines failed to work properly, and secrecy holders were dispensed
with. Even worse, the citizens were deceived by mysterious signs stating that
their polling place had been moved. All these unprecedented elements are part
of a grand scheme to transform the presidential election into a true farce and
prevent the people from choosing their demagogue. In 2008, American voters will
attempt to choose a particular puppet as president, but the already tested
forms of trickery will be employed to swing the election in favor of the
opposite puppet. This puppet will then have the audacity to claim that he (or
she) is the choice of the American people.
This
is where California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger could come back onstage and
begin stealing the show. Perhaps he will wait to put on his act until the 2012
American Puppet Show rolls around. Like Giuliani, Governor Schwarzenegger is an
ambitious, self-centered politician as well as an exceptionally cunning
demagogue who would love to gain the most powerful political office on earth.
But in order for him to do so, a Constitutional Amendment allowing a legal
immigrant to become president would have to be passed by two-thirds of the
United States, or thirty-four states. Schwarzenegger realizes that few states
would agree to change a longstanding, widely accepted law that our nation’s
founders established for sound reasons. Therefore, voting tricks to the rescue!
Schwarzenegger’s puppeteers fiddle with the voting machines and, voila—to the
nation’s semi-bewilderment, the Presidential (Puppet) Immigration Status Amendment
passes. From that occasion onward, Americans will have, for all practical
purposes, lost control of their nation.
With
each quadrennial American Puppet Show in recent decades, Americans have been subjected
to a more and more entertaining spectacle. The 2008 extravaganza is certainly a
cut above previous shows. Just as Nero fiddled while Rome burned, our
presidents now enjoy the fine life while uncontrolled big business and
technological development speed America down the highway to disaster. When the
next Grand American Puppet Choice Day finally rolls around, Americans may find
themselves so dazzled, bored, and stupefied that they will reject not only the
finalists, but the entire masquerade. The greatest tribute to the talent of the
Grand American Puppets on Puppet Choice Day would be a hearty burst of laughter
from all three hundred million Americans.
Copyright © 2007 by Justin Soutar. All rights reserved.
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